Cultivating Kindness
The ripple effect of self awareness and intentional thinking.
What would happen if we looked at ourselves with kinder eyes?
What if we spoke to ourselves with compassion, tenderness and understanding?
Think about the last time you looked in the mirror naked. What were your thoughts? Were you showering your reflection in compliments, or were you picking yourself apart word by word?
“Take a thousand naked pictures of yourself now. You may currently think, ‘oh, I’m too spooky,’ or ‘nobody wants to see these tiny boobies.’ But believe me, one day you will look back at those photos, with much kinder eyes and say, ‘dear God, I was a beautiful thing.’”
Have you ever had a picture taken (not necessarily naked, but to each their own- no judgements here) and right away you find all of the things you don’t like about it? I know I have.
The funny thing is, and as Moira pointed out, when some time has passed -whether it’s been a week, or ten years - I don’t see the wrinkles or the spider veins, or whatever it was that I was feeling so self conscious about at the time. Instead I see probably what other people saw, me, without all of my insecurities and self-judgement. The reality is, that all of those insecurities that you’re noticing, are most likely going unnoticed by everyone else.
It’s important to be mindful of the stories we tell ourselves, because they tend to show in our judgements towards other people, too.
The next time you see your reflection in the mirror, or take a photo, instead of picking yourself apart, I challenge you to say at least 3 things that you love or find beautiful about what you’re seeing- and say it with confidence.
Take that photo and keep it, don’t delete it, you’ll be thankful for the memory one day.
What about the last time you made a mistake, how did you talk to yourself? Did you show compassion towards yourself, or did you call yourself a/an [insert hurtful/judgmental word here]?
Were you diving deeper into “should"-ing yourself? Comparing yourself to how you used to look or be, or comparing yourself to someone else? Do you find yourself saying things to yourself that you would never say to someone you care about?
You’re not alone.
In a world that conditions us to believe we’re never good enough until we buy whatever they’re selling, it’s a hard but necessary task to begin to undo what we now do so easily, almost subconsciously.
How we speak to ourselves, stays with us. We carry it in our body, and it manifests in different ways. It’s reflected in our actions, and how we speak to and act towards other people.
Have you ever lashed out at someone, but deep down known it had little to do with them, and everything to do with you? That when you really thought about, really dug deep, it maybe came down to feeling self conscious, or jealous, or frustrated, or a past trauma was triggered, or maybe something completely unrelated had happened that day and you hadn’t really processed it yet… and now you’re just projecting your feelings onto someone else?
I know I’ve been there, I think we all have, and that’s the ripple effect.
By beginning to become acutely aware of the thoughts we have and the things we say to ourselves, whether out of habit or of conscious endeavor, cultivating kindness becomes easier over time, with practice.
I challenge you, the next time you begin to say something negatively towards yourself, like ”wow, I’m [insert hurtful word],” or “I should have known better,” or “if only I was [insert endless judgements towards self here]” or “if only I looked like [x,y,z], ” … catch yourself.
Turn the narrative around.
Try to think of something a little less judgmental to say like, “ I made a mistake, but I’m human not a machine, and that’s ok. I’ll learn from this and know better next time.”
The next time someone cuts you off in traffic, instead of calling that driver names and yelling at them from behind the steering wheel -as if they can even hear you- try looking at the situation with a little more compassion. The driver clearly wasn’t paying attention, but maybe they just had a death in their family, or their kid is sick, or maybe something happened at work, or maybe they don’t even have a reason for carelessly cutting you off- we don’t know, we’ll never know. And really, it doesn’t matter. The point is, if we’re spending our commute yelling and cussing out people from behind the steering wheel, we’ll most likely carry that frustration throughout our day, maybe by snapping at our coworkers or cutting off our friends in conversation. Showing compassion and understanding towards others by speaking kindly to ourself about the driver who cut us off (even when no-one else is around) can have a significant effect on the rest of everyone’s day.
We’re human, we get frustrated, we snap. It’s ok. Recognizing what’s happening is the first step.
If you’re really struggling and you find yourself in a downward spiral of negativity that you can’t quite claw yourself out of, I want you to:
Stop.
Take 3 deep breathes… in-one-two-three…out-one-two-three… repeat.
Say 3 things out loud that you have going for you in your life, or something you’re grateful for- even if it has nothing to do with whatever problem you’re facing- it could be as simple as reminding yourself that you have shelter, or you had breakfast this morning, or that you drank water, or didn’t get in a car accident, or that you have a family member or loved one or a pet, or that you have the mobility to put on your pants by yourself today- it can literally be anything - as simple or complex as you make it.
Because reminding ourselves of what we do have, is the beginning of reminding ourselves that we’re in charge of our own narrative.
This is a reset button, that I believe allows us to see a little bit more clearly than we were in the downward spiral, and helps us gain the clarity we need to constructively problem solve if we need to.
Reminding ourselves that everything isn’t falling apart, and that everything isn’t going wrong in the world is not toxic positivity, I think it’s necessary optimism. Realistic optimism, that begins in our mind and is reflected in our actions.
Even if it feels impossible, that everything really is going wrong, and the world really is falling apart… still, give this a try.
My Dad always tells me to remember that each day is a new day, and even if it doesn’t feel like it, the worst-hardest-most anxiety filled sad days do end. So, if you’re literally having the worst day today, remember that tomorrow is a new day and if today was the worst day, tomorrow has to be better.
Our time on this planet in this vast universe is so short as it is, why waste the time we do have being so unkind to ourselves? Sometimes the one kind thing we say to ourselves, may be the only kind thing we hear towards ourself all day, and that’s ok. Because if we believe the world is always happening to us, we’re going to get stuck in “victim” mode.
We will always be seeking what we’re not giving ourselves, and we can’t leave that up to other people to fill that void (spouse, partner, friend, etc.).
Don’t tell yourself you should know better by now because we can’t know what we haven’t learned yet.
Don’t tell yourself that you’re grown up, because we are always growing and learning, and that insinuates that we have learned all that there is to know - which I don’t believe is ever true.
Stop waiting for someone to save you.
Stop waiting for someone to show you the kindness you’re not giving yourself.
Stop waiting for someone else to show you the love that you’re not showing yourself, because none of that is guaranteed.
What is guaranteed, is that you are in charge of your narrative. How you choose to speak to yourself, how you choose to respond to a situation, and how you choose to live in this world are really the only things that you do have control of.
By practicing kindness towards ourselves, like anything else it becomes more automatic, it ripples through the rest of our life and we have no idea what profound effect that could have on someone else’s day, on our own day.
We weren’t born picking ourselves apart, pointing out all that’s wrong with us and the world and focusing on the things we can’t change- we learned that. Which means we can un-learn that too.
Progress isn’t linear.
We are human, not machines, and we are bound to make mistakes.
This practice takes time.
So please, greet yourself with understanding, compassion and patience.
You’ve got this, I believe in you. Even if I don’t know you, even if I don’t know what you’re going through, I am telling you that I believe in you, that you have the strength to get through whatever you’re going through, that you have the strength to be vulnerable, to show yourself the kindness that you easily show someone you love, to believe that tomorrow will be better.
Stop.
Take 3 breaths.
Say 3 things that you love about yourself.
Say 3 things that you have going for you, supporting you, are grateful for, or basic needs that have been met today.
Reset.
